The Beckham family bust-up and what it has to do with social work

It's been dubbed the silent epidemic... and now the Beckham family bust-up is shedding new light on an explosion in ‘going no contact’.

Last month David and Victoria’s eldest son Brooklyn dominated the headlines by declaring on Instagram: “I do not want to reconcile with my family. I’m not being controlled, I’m standing up for myself for the first time in my life.”

Experts say there is likely to have been a classic pattern of low contact, then no contact after a cataclysmic falling out. 

It's a phenomenon that is becoming more common: 

• One in five respondents to a UK MORI survey said they had direct experience of estrangement in their family.
• The charity Stand Alone says 150,000 young people in the UK are estranged from a family member.
• In America – where Brooklyn Peltz Beckham now lives with his wife – a YouGov poll last year found 38 per cent of American adults were estranged from family.

Karl Melvin specialises in working with those impacted by estrangement. He also advises social workers on how to approach the issue and has written a clinical guide Navigating Family Estrangement.

He said: "My heart does break when I see such public rifts, because I know that the more public it is, the harder it is to come back from.

"Brooklyn probably felt of course he was going to announce this in the way he did because his life is on social media... every other aspect of it, all the good stuff is, so why wouldn't he post it?

"But it’s a bit like fighting fire with fire.”

Karl believes the dynamics of estrangement - which in itself is an age-old problem - are changing, and this is being fuelled by living our lives online.

"Instead of estrangement being a silent and passive effort of pulling back, it might be more confrontational now," he said.

"Social media content creators may be increasing understanding and vocabulary which is then being fed back to family. 

"There may also be a new sense of normalcy around this issue, destigmatising the decision to confront family.

"And social media may be the means of estrangement as well, such as blocking a family member or even announcing an estrangement to the world, and this is how family members discover they are being cut out."

Karl often spends years working with his clients, helping individuals adjust to life after estrangement, and facilitating reconciliations where it is possible to do so.

“The first thing I need to know is – and I put this to every individual – are you here to work? Are you ready to actually address these problems or do you just want to put a plaster over a very deep wound?

“Are you looking for some superficial solution that means you can get back to the status quo?

"Because the fact is you can never come back to the status quo... the relationship you had before has gone. Something new has to come in to replace it.”

Of course, most social workers don't have years to work with families, but Karl says even a single moment can make a world of difference.

“You may only have limited interaction but what matters is this person is clearly very hurt,” he says.

"The starting point is understanding the scale of the issue and the fact that this might be the first time a person is talking about all this.

“Even if you don’t get the specifics of the family, but you just say, ‘I get it's really complicated' - this can make a massive difference."

Karl believes social workers can draw on their broad exposure to families in daily practice to help them navigate complex issues.

He said: "In many ways, social workers are the true experts in family estrangement because of the work they do, exposed day-to-day.

"Maybe the role and responsibility is different and time is limited so they don't get to do the deep dive I get to do, but they will still have profound insights.”

Karl warns against trying to “fix” things or offer comfort that is unrealistic, such as telling people their parents must have loved them.

“This reflects the fact a professional is uncomfortable with the idea a person could be even saying that their mum or dad didn't love them.

“Maybe the intrinsic reaction is to be protective, but unfortunately this can be counter to what the person needs. It doesn't line up with their reality.

“I find the less I do, the more I allow silence to exist, the more acceptance there is that this is what they feel.

"They are the experts in their lives, their family, their reality. There’s a level of acceptance that comes with compassion – it's about saying, ‘I'm really sorry you feel that way, I can imagine how devastating that is for you’.

“Sometimes we are perceived as being agents of change. I don't think we are. I think we're agents of acceptance."

It’s important not to automatically encourage reconciliation in estrangement situations.

"If that's your role then name it from the start, but also expect a person to say, ‘Okay, well you're not the right fit for me, that's not where I'm at’.

"And that's fine. I'm neither pro-estrangement nor pro-reconciliation. I've seen so many failed reconciliations where people go in very hard hoping for change, and they realise nothing has changed and they end up very hurt again.”

Social workers may also be impacted by estrangement in their own lives, says Karl, and working with families going through similar experiences can bring up issues that need addressing. 

That means good supervision is essential: "As a therapist, I need to have a supervisor, and I bring stuff to them all the time.

"I've had 15 years of striving to be neutral, but that neutrality comes from exposing myself to many opinions – from sons and daughters, parents, aunts and uncles – from as many people as I can. 

“It's about trying to hold onto that bigger picture and then bring stuff to personal therapy, to my supervisor.

"“It's about being open and transparent and accepting what it is to be a human being, and how we are not perfect."

Karl Melvin is an IACP-accredited psychotherapist. He has spent 15 years working with estranged adults and his book Navigating Family Estrangement, is published by Routledge.